Hitting a brick wall HURTS, but what happens when you hit the same wall over and over? You find yourself tired, bloodied and looking for a way to stop hurting.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
~ Albert Einstein
I’ve always had this drive to have more. To do more. To be more. Nothing is ever enough. What I am, in the present moment, is not enough. So I started reaching. I would fill my time with school… activities…hobbies…anything that would help me on that climb to happiness. Anything that would help me feel like I’m not just occupying this space. This body.
Passionate about some things and doing other things just to have a professional notch on my belt. I can’t tell you how many times I would tell my family, “can you imagine what this would do to my resume?”. They would shake their heads. My mom told me I would stroke out one day if I didn’t slow down soon. Trying to keep up. Trying to be like such and such or on the same level as scratch-n-sniff. That is until I started a new primary job.
I’ve been trying to slow down for awhile now. With the deaths in my family and my hysterectomy, I was really trying to stop adding more activities, hobbies, school…anything that I thought would make me happy…important. I decided to get a new corporate job because I hated my job
and let’s be honest some co-workers and I wasn’t going to wait any longer for change. This would be my happiness or at least a brief stop on the journey.
Talk about the grass isn’t always greener! But along with the stress of the new job…still trying to complete my bachelor’s…trying to keep in the public eye (keeping up with the Joneses) and taking care of my family during some brief but serious illnesses, my health (mentally and physically) has taken a turn for the worse.
A little over a month ago I was in my own sunken place. I remember hearing the voice in my head say, “What are you doing all this for? You’re still in the same place you’ve been in for years. It would all be better if you just end it.” At that moment, after binging on whatever I could get my hands on, I called my insurance company and asked about my mental health benefits. I’ve been in therapy ever since, working on reversing my diabeetus (hee hee I wrote d-i-a-b-e-e-t-u-s), leveling out my hormones and I’m starting to feel a bit like myself.
I’m starting to let go. Truly let go of things and ideology that doesn’t serve any purpose. Reaching out to folks and letting them know I’m out of commission for right now. Trying to listen to God’s direction and purpose he has for me. Trying to figure out who I am without school… projects… running around like a chicken with my head cut off…
Janelle Cissell is the publisher of Ruby Leonne. To contact Janelle, email her at rubyleonneauthors (at) gmail (dot) com.